My Ego Graduated with a PhD in Judging

Y’all. I’ve been looking to expand on this: What is the difference between Ego and Intuition? How can I compartmentalize the signs that stem from my higher self and the thoughts driven by the protective and competitive sides of me?

For now, I have a short cut: observe the thoughts and look for a voice of love. If there is a trace of light and peace, the information is delivered by universal vibrations. IN TUNE. INTUITIVE.

If not, proceed to ask this question:

“For which argument is my ego collecting evidence?”

If, at the core of any of my thought patterns, I am internally arguing some point (Eg: Kyle should do this differently, this is why I’m fat, that person is messed up because X), I can safely conclude that there is ego presence.

Plainly, the ego loves altercations. It means there might be something to “win.” Mine has a damn PhD in judgement. She wrote her thesis on comparison with others and has multiple discourses on why I’m not enough. Hah, my ego is such a decorated general of going into mental battle that she IS the devil, the flippin’ advocate, the jury and the attorney. She’s got angel wings and glowing red horns depending on who wants to debate her. If I’m not brave enough to be vulnerable (which I’m often not), my default is to take jabs. If I don’t tag my higher self into the ring to shower love upon all of the bullshit, the ego sucks me in.

I am a Gemini. I will contest any side of any argument and logic my way into a swirly twirly rabbit hole of stubbornness.

For the sake of disagreement, I go to shameful lengths. I say this with honesty, apology, and humility. 2019 is for unraveling that pattern….as is the rest of my life, I am sure. My biggest samskara is my urge to pull out the sword of reasoning and behead my opponents with fiery determination. If you have ben on the other side of this, you’ve heard what I couldn’t bear to: my inner child screaming in pain. Or maybe you haven’t. Maybe your ego fought back with equal pressure and we clawed at each other. Either way, I want to lay down my weapons. I’m gift wrapping the world in forgiveness. Do you accept me? May I accept myself?

My whole life has been an expression of duality. Growing up a weirdo in Connecticut meant I was caught between desperately trying to impress everyone and figure out my huge emotional roller coasters on the daily. I had no clue what it meant to listen to my intuition because there was a much louder voice that spoke over her whispers…the paranoid, uber control freak ego. That drill sergeant was trying to protect me from every ounce of vulnerability my tender heart wanted to express, and it became a hardened dictator over time. It was the one that made me terrified to upset my teachers, parents, coaches, or friends. I was conditioned into avoiding punishment as motivation, much like a correctional officer brainwashing an inmate. I had no idea how to follow a flow state of joy because I was too worried about the opposite: not fucking up.

Are you fueled by bliss or driven by the fear of failure? These are two very different worlds, and I operated in the latter.

Find stability in high performance. Outpace others and do better. Constantly occupy time with responsibilities and goals, goals, goals. Stay busy. Do not get lost in the middle. Dreams? Are you wasting time? You need to focus. The brick pathway is all laid out for you. There are precise and narrow boundaries here. This score on the SAT matters more than brainstorming what it means to follow your dreams. Do not question the path. Get into the best dorm, team, school, job, and do not question the path or else you will fall behind. Make the cut. Keep moving forward and do not question.

Sound familiar?

My mind focused only on the lower chakras, and my heart was silenced into submission. Every moment of the day was about tending to survival in the illusion of my reality. I created deep separation from my body, punishing it with too much food or too much exercise or too much criticism; I never understood my sexual organs or the creative impulses that dwell dormant; I mentally exhausted my potential trying to keep up with others — everything I witnessed my peers finding success with, I tried. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was because I clung to anyone that would offer me attention, be it abusive or genuine. I’ve had a heaping share of vampires suck the life and energy from my soul. I ignored self love for years because I was taught to seek permission from others to feel a certain way. Or maybe I wasn’t taught, but that’s how I acted? The line is blurry here.

The memories of panic and trauma resurface from time to time, and the version of that girl who had no idea how to deal with her tremendous sadness seems so far away. I breathe for her now. I witness the stormy seas of my past and relax the task maker of the mind, telling the drill sergeant to lay down her bull horn and loosen her tie.

We are no longer choking each other on the curtains of expectation.

The tree branch releases the leaf as the leaf falls off of the tree branch.

We are learning, together, that force is not the exemplar of strength.

There is majesty in allowing, not trying.

What was once passive and wrong and lazy and stupid, is now the difficult chore of the day. Sit with the discomfort. Make space for it. Cease distracting with outside forces. Doing less or doing more in meditation is all the same. Because if I’m “doing,” I’m “trying,” and there is no try. There is only allowance.

From the spark of existence, the moment creatures rose from the sea and straightened their spines and made fire and danced under the moon and formed societies and built cities, mother earth has been an expression of this duality.

Force versus surrender. Ego versus Intuition. Dancing between the polarities, the yin yang pulses like a taurus of energy.

For now, I choose the surrender. Hear me, angels and guides and mentors and friends. I’m taking the headset off of the ego, and I’m giving you the microphone. It’s your turn to direct the play now. I promise I’ll stay on stage and when I want to run away I will sit down. Promise.